Jan 8th 2007, Monday: So many days to go...

(12:17) Army is definitely the most unbearable when you’re sick. I got sick because the idiots close all the windows and the door and turn the air conditioner’s heat all the way up, even though the heaters are already on. I don’t wanna sleep in that dorm another night, with sick people coughing, snoring, stinking, turning the radio on at 2AM, talking outloud, and blaming the short terms for everything. I totally changed my mind about telling the world about how they’re treated in the army. I don’t give a shit anymore.

I don’t wanna have another meal, or drink another cup of tea, waiting half an hour in line and fighting with the stupid cook who can barely speak Turkish, or people who constantly cut in line to get a totally lame meal. I don’t wanna hear another insult from anyone. Being sick makes me emotionally vulnurable, so I feel I’m dying here. On Friday I’ll go to a hotel with my family, and on Sunday evening I have to let them go. I don’t know how I’m gonna endure leaving them when I need them the most. Please God, give me strength to go on. (18:21) I should have been in a lecture class right now but I’m in the bed instead, because I’m so sick I don’t even care if they realise I’m missing and punish me. I also gave up eating because I don’t wanna fight for a dirty spoon and a spoonful of so called “food”. I don’t know what’s gonna happen if I give up eating beause of my sickness. I took one of the antibiotics dad gave me. If I were at home, I’d simply go to the kitchen and eat the soup mom made for me, and take the pills dad gave me. But I’m here, sleeping alone in my bed with a bunch of other sick people. I miss being sick on my own sofa. I miss mom, I miss dad...

Jan 7th 2007, Sunday: 131 days to go...

(15:42) Last night was probably the last time I took a shower and changed my underwear as a private. On Friday, the recruit training will end and we’ll all have our oath and become corporals. On Thursday, we’ll have a draw and see where in Adana each of us will continue the army service.

Today on newspaper I saw “Internet Celebrities”. Geriatric1927 and Brookers were among them. I felt really down that I’m not out there to make more videos for Youtube. There was also a Turkish celebrity “Mahir Çağrı”. If you search his name on Google, you’ll have some information about him. He’s an ex-celebrity who I totally dislike. I don’t know how but, on 1999 he became a phenomenon, even celebrities like Meg Ryan were among his fans. I can easily say that I’m way better than him, but I got no backup to pimp me of course. What the hell, I got 67 subscribers and around 10 true fans, I managed to have that with noone pimping our videos, which is a big accomplishment in my opinion since I think I still have the most subscribers among Turkish users. There was even a trio of Youtubers which made 2 videos and were on newspapers and on important TV shows, they still couldn’t make as many viewers as I did. And I wouldn’t care if they could anyway.

Jan 6th 2007, Saturday: 132 days to go...

(15:30) This morning was the first time we had sports training. It was very light, probably another showoff that they gave us sports training. As I told before, short-term soldiers like me are nothing but an artificial army just show that we had our military service like everyone else. We’re gonna be sergeants in short time anyway. Long-term-soldiers who couldn’t graduate from a university, especially commandos are the ones who get screwed so terribly that it’s like they’re no humans and they have no rights at all. Some of them even die in this training and they’re just labeled KIA and sent home. In here I can clearly see that people in Turkey and probably in the rest of the world have no equality and it bothers me alot. Some of them has noone but a mother and a father, and noone cares if they die or not. Just like I saw in the training today they make the commandos run for km’s with 2 or 3 heavy weapons on their backs and they make you crawl like a snake the whole training ground if you fail to run on time. I’ve seen Tough C punishing them like that. It’s obvious that sergeant majors are not treating us the way they treat them because as I told you, we’re more audience than soldiers. What we have to deal with the most is being imprisoned and lack of comfort, and believe me it’s bad enough.

Also, something surprising happened this morning. On the bulletin board, I saw a greeting card with a long messagesent to all soldiers of the brigade. I looked at the envelope, and saw that it’s coming from an elementary school from İzmir. In fact, I’ve seen the school in my neighborhood. I was delighted and recorded tha address right away. Once I finish the recruit training, I will definitely send a card back.

Jan 4th 2007, Thursday: 134 days to go...

(12:28) I had promised myself that I’m not gonna let anything upset me anymore, but things always go one step beyond my imagination. 2 nights ago the air conditioner turned the whole dorm into hell. I had to sleep with my underwear but even that wasn’t cool enough to fall asleep. And last night someone turned his radio on at around 2AM. And again it was only me who woke up at that loud noise. I’m not even counting the snores or the person next to me coughs on my face in his sleep. All I know is I don’t feel pity for some of the long-term-non-university-graduate soldiers anymore. More you keep them inside the barrack, the better. I can’t believe I have to try to sleep in that dorm for 8 more times until I finish the recruit training to be transfered to somewhere else.
I don’t remember at which interval, but I managed to have a dream too. I was looking out of a closed window of a small house. A 30 cm tall bullfrog came to the glass and started singing & dancing just outside the window. All of a sudden, someone took it down and started gutting it alive with a large knife.
But you’d be wrong if you think I’m about to break down or quit fighting or hoping. In fact, I wanna add something to what I wrote previously about committing suicide. There used to be times I thought I completely screwed up, that I’m not gonna make it through the day, like a very important exam when I see the test paper and I know none of the answers. At times like these, I remember what the chess tutor of “Chessmaster” game, Josh Waitzkin told. “DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE”. Do what has to be done. No matter how screwed up you are, do what has to be done. That’s one of the very important rules to always keep in mind. You know none of the answers? Write the smallest bit you know, and also write what you don’t know. You’re imprisoned in an army training camp for 4.5 months and you know you’re not gonna get any sleep at night? Sit down and write a letter to your friends.

Jan 3rd 2007, Wednesday: 135 days to go...

(08:42) I used to play a PC game when I was in Junior High (which means around 13-14 years ago). Of course it was very primitive. Maybe you know, its name is “Budokan”. I still have it in my latest PC and still play it sometimes. In the game basically you choose a weapon and practice with it with an opponent. The place you practice is a room in a Japanese house, with all those wooden windows, doors, and floor. The door is wide open and you can see the sun setting on a clear sea. I think it’s the best place anyone can ever be. Most of the time army training here gets so boring it slows down to a halt. Or sometimes people get stupid and arguments come out of nowhere, like everyone’s trying to make my day harder. But I leave this world, and go to that Japanese house. I imagine myself practising aikido at the sunrise, or meditating after a tough training. I wonder if I’ll ever have a similar experience, I wonder if I’ll ever have a house like that, and how...

(14:00) While cleaning the training ground this morning I realised I missed something else. I missed sitting in front of TV all night, drinking a black coffee with alot of sugar, watching old TV series and studying Japanese all at the same time. I also missed playing chess online, or simply playing a favorite computer game while the TV is on, eating popcorn.

Jan 2nd 2007, Tuesday: 136 days to go...

Just as if it’s not enough to cope with the obstacles of the army, now I also have to cope with the stupidity of the other soldiers. I have to face the reality of Turkey since I came here, some people, no, MANY people are unbearably stupid no matter where they graduated from. I also realized the fact that many Turks don’t know shit about Atatürk and his real value. That’s why they keep talking to each other saying what’s so great about him. And in the military they give extremely shallow information about him. Like, I bet no one in here knows that Atatürk was chosen as the soldier of the century by foreign commanders, because he’s the only commander who GATHERED an army himself as well as he commanded it.

I’m afraid army’s gonna get a lot harder if after the recruit training I’ll have to deal with these people rather than ignoring them. I’m sure it’s the same in every country, but I just can’t believe how many TOTALLY USELESS waste of oxygens there are around. Just around me right now there are at least a couple, I can understand from what they’re talking about. Anyway...

This morning I talked to a friend about inter-rail. It sounds so tempting to get on a train and visit other countries, especially if you’re a prisoner. I don’t know if I’ll have the money to do it this summer, but I WILL do it. This year or next year, I’ll break out of the borders and visit a few countries with my friends, and shoot videos, I WILL.

Jan 1st 2007 Monday: 137 days to go...

(16:33) A few days ago I saw the photo of a beautiful 24 year old girl on the newspaper. She was a lawyer, had a wealthy family, and for no apparent reason she committed suicide. As her last letter she said she’s slowly going insane. I just can’t get it out of my mind. I keep thinking that if I were there, I could both save her and tell her there’s much more to get from life. As long as you’re alive, there’s no reason to end your life, though I can understand why she would get depressed like that. It’s either she broke up with the love o her life, or failed the job of her life. There used to be times suicide seemed like the only logical way, but now I know there’s always a way out. I kept thinking about her for the last week during the training. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to help her out, because I KNOW I could. When your life is jammed, you know what to do, format & restart. If you have faith in life, you can get over everything. You can quit your job and start a small one. You can find a better lover because there’s always someone who deserves you more. Anyway, you should never think of something like that. Don’t forget, there’s ALWAYS a way out.