I didn’t write anything for 3 days because I didn’t have time or energy to do it. I was going to shred the previous entry but I wanna keep it anyway ‘cause I want you to see how much my mind has changed in 3 days. First of all, thank God I’m not a squad leader or somth, that was just for one day until things got in order. There are a million things I wanna tell but, I’m not gonna fully express my feelings cause this notebook I’m writing on can be found and I could be severely punished. All I can say is, this is FUCKING STUPID! All we had from the beginning of the first training was COMPLETE TORTURE! Is that how I serve my country? This place is a Nazi camp which strips down all your character, and makes you a brainless clown to entertain the commanders. All we learned in 4 days was how to march. And I can’t tell you how much of a torture it is. It shouldn’t have been like this. The price of being a Turk shouldn’t be being imprisoned in a military camp. There are more than 100 university graduates like me trapped in here. Think about a decent person, like your dad, taken away from his job and locked in a camp, where he’s been told when to get up (4:30 A.M.), what to wear, when to take a bath, what to eat, what to do, being humiliated by the biggest assholes you can think of, being have to do everything EXACTLY what they say, arrange your locker exactly like they tell you, eat lame food without spoon or fork (today I “stole” a knife from kitchen and ate rice and spinach with it). Think about being stripped off your humanity and by the force of army, being put under disgusting people who try to brainwash you to “obey, obey, obey”.
It’s been fourth day since the training began and I’m slowly getting used to this life, but still, sometimes it’s just too hard. Once I dreamed I was back home and when I woke up I was in the dorm. Think how terrible a feeling it was. When I were a civilian I used to have nightmares every once in a while, but when I woke up, I was relieved that I was safe in my bed. This is exactly the opposite.
One of the hardest things is that everytime I call my parents, I force myself not to cry and I tell them everything’s alright and they’re treating me very well. It’s completely a place where there are superior people and inferior people. You might say it’s also like that in civilian, but it’s not. Here, the superior has the complete control over the privates like us. They can make you do anything, say anything. The captain said they’re also going to chekc our “crouch shave” soon.
How the FUCK is all this helping my country? How the fuck is a bunch of uneducated commanders making us march all day, screaming and shouting at educated people like us helping my country? How is wasting enormous amount of money to give us army clothes, food, etc. And making us obediant monkeys helping my country? For years, our citizens have been brainwashed into “you owe your contry” crap. Yes I do owe my country, is this the way I pay back? Being inferior to some brainless dickheads? What is my guilt? What have I done? What have I done to put up with this bullshit?
I miss you guys. I miss all of you. To be honest, I miss you and my family more than everything else about civilian life, even listening to music, or having clean clothes, or not having to wait in line to have a 3 minute shower.
Anyway let me tell you a little bit about my life. I wake up at 4:30 AM, get dressed all those uncomfortable dirty clothes, shave my non-existing beard, have a breakfast before going to the “count”.
One morning, the breakfast was very stale bread, a tiny piece of cheese, and olive. I looked at the plate, and imagined the days I was saying a breakfast is incomplete because there’s no ham.
Anyway after breakfast, we go to the marching training. That’s what we do for the whole day, and you can’t imagine how hard it is. Some of the guys are injured because of the boots, and none of us can walk, I mean walk properly. I mean walk walk. Today is Saturday so we were set free after another training. We’re still in prison, but I prefer this prison rather than having to face the commanders and be clowns for them.
I’m in the lounge right now because it’s the place where commanders don’t come by often. Actually I went out once, and saw that a commander was having privates clean the yard, so I went back not to get caught.
My dorm is with the commando privates. Of course we’re very different from each other. We short term soldiers are all university graduates, getting a payback from being educated by doing the military service for only five months, and we’re going to become sergeants after completing the recruit training. Actually, if you’re reading this, it means I already finished the recruit training which will last until Jan 12th.
The commando privates are nice guys, all around 20, I said we’re different because they’re healthy guys with very little education. Some of them can’t read or write properly. They’re very noisy in the dorm, almost every day they’re having brutal fights with each other over a piece of cheese, or a piece of paper. Sometimes they hit each other with bayonet just for fun. All I have to be careful about is not to get an accidental blow or a guy falling on me while I’m changing my clothes in front of the locker.
Fortunately they’re not a problem to us yet, I think they respect us because we’re “adults”. Oh I forgot to tell. All non-“college graduates” have to serve the military for... get ready... for FIFTEEN months. And as a private. I can’t even imagine WHAT KIND OF A DEVILISH NIGHTMARE IT IS. It kinda explains their savage behaviour. For us, it’s being patient until you get out. For them, it’s “say goodbye to civil life”. Let me tell you something. In civil life probably I won’t have a good-pay-job, but if I knew I’d be paid a $100,000 per month, I would NEVER choose to be a soldier, no matter what my rank is.
In the lounge the TV is on. They’re showing a stupid Turkish TV series episode. But I’m watching anyway because those people having tea in their house, sitting on a couch, GIRLS, windows with views, free people, they look so tempting now. I just watch it with envy.
The commandos look so different than us. They also talk differently, it’s like all of them came from villgaes. Our faces and their faces are so different no matter which cities we are coming from. It’s like we’re different races, like they’re real Turksw and we’re fake, jus like they’re real soldiers and we’re prisoners in camoflage.
The one good thing about here is, well the best friends are made in worst situations, I almost doubled the number of my friends. They all, ALL hate it here, even though most of them (just like me) came here with the excitement of serving the country. We get along well for now and we always help each other out, cause as I said we’re prisoners, and prisoners need to support each other not to die of depression. Sometimes we have great laughs, mostly out of our deranged nerves. Sometimes a friend sings an old turkish folk song about home and family, and my eyes get all wet. Funny isn’t it? Those songs were meaningless to me before because I never suffered the pain of having to be away from my family before.
GOD I miss EVERYTHING. Walking on the seaside in İzmir, the aikido friends, listening to music, Youtube, sleeping in my bed, taking a decent shower. And I miss YOU guys. Right now all my prayers are that after the recruit training ends on 12th of January, I draw a decent place and get the hell outta here.
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